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Funny SMS |
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I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday.
Thursday. Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery day! |
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T-MOBILE regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down on everyone
except u.We regret 2 inform u that no one would go down on u.not even a
network |
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Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you
look hard! |
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Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.Soon it will be
cool to have a small penis too.then you my friend will be THE MAN!! |
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He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading.
Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she
screamed yahoo! |
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(_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse
(_zzz_)Tired arse (_E=mc2_)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my arse!! |
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friendship is like peeing in your pants. every1 can c it but only u can
feel its true warmth.thank u 4 being the pee in my pants xxxx |
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Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked - that's why I knocked. |
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Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Aunt.
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad Grandma's gone? |
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Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's cold out here. |
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Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel broken? I had to knock. |
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Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
York.
York who?
York coming over to my place tonight? |
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Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor sore hand from knocking so much. |
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Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mister.
Mister who?
Mister last bus home. |
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Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you. |
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Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I called by? |
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Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam key broke in the lock. |
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Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There's no need to cry, it's only a joke. |
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Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mummy.
Mummy who?
Mummeasles are better so can I come in? |
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Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive across the road. |
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Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry, Butch, and Jimmy.
Harry, Butch and Jimmy who?
Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss. |
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Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in! |
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Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
A midget who cant reach the doorbell. |
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Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny the way you keep saying 'Who's there? Every time I knock. |
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All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the
love that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you. |
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I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST. AS YOU ARE
READING I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT
BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING |
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We will now upgrade your brain, please
wait....Searching....searching...still searching....sorry,NO BRAIN
found...! |
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If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. |
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When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman
talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute. |
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Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. |
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Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death. |
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Conserve toilet paper, use both sides. |
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I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! |
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Sorry, I don't date outside my species. |
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Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW! |
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First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering. |
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Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. |
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Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely
pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a
bulldog eating mayonnaise! |
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Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick. |
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Bad sex is better then a good day in school. |
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Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!! |
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Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE… |
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Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you
could just pluck them from your dreams...... |
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My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself
too... |
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Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just
practice? |
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I took an IQ test and the results were negative. |
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Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole… |
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If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi… |
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Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it! |
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Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your
penis...........................ERROR: Your penis was not found!
Sorry.............. |
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Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!! |
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It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat
in girl. |
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News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv...
another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt
message |
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God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested |
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The longest sentence known to man: "I do." |
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CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI
awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this |
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Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime? |
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This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog,
idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without
the word dog. |
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Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy. |
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I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna
feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream! |
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ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction. |
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Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army
instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for
50p. |
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Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than
you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac? |
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Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!! |
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Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? |
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A: There have been sightings of UFOs. |
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I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you
change gears... |
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There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next
morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant. |
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What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing? |
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What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him. |
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I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. |
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A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the
bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." |
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Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in
this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore. |
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What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish. |
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Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards. |
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Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to
drive this thing?" |
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What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side! |
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The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity
of your action. |
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Q: What does a blonde owl say? |
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A: What, what? |
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WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind! |
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What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion. |
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Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV. |
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Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh! |
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What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already! |
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What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors |
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Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? |
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A: Her IQ goes up. |
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Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!! |
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Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach
is aiming just a little too high. |
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I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body
experience and didn't come back for a day and a half. |
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I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one. |
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How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut. |
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For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used. |
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What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle. |
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Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber
field. |
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Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands. |
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Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran! |
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What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm
home! |
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What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows
everything. |
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How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head. |
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Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? |
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A: We don't know. Never happens. |
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Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?
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A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.
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Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?
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A: An f****ing know it all.
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A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer.
The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
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A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
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Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.
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I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for
the night?
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If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
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Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth
child born is chinese.
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What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...
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I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't looking good either.
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It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
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I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
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Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get
you.
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You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
butter.
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I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
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My Reality Check bounced.
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Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
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Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are
subtle and will whiz on your computer.
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Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!
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Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
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Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
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There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already
full.
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Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back
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As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing |
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Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. |
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What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy. |
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What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the
parachute packing plant |
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Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? |
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A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth. |
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Why don't men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don't have any. 1 |
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What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home. |
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What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women. |
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. |
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Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and
suffering |
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How Dogs and Women are alike.....
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing. |
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Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would
have preferred. |
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If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight? |
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Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet
stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog" |
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If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one? |
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Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's
how dogs spend their lives. |
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I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain. |
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I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have
smelled of. |
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Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned. |
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A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a
"double entendre" - so he gave her one! |
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Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
your type in here" |
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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this
some kind of joke?" |
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A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food
in here" |
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra |
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road." |
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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." |
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. |
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. |
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it. |
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News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv..
another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt
message |
|
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God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested |
|
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The longest sentence known to man: "I do." |
|
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CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI
awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this |
|
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Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime? |
|
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This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog,
idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without
the word dog. |
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Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy. |
|
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I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna
feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream! |
|
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ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction. |
|
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Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army
instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for
50p. |
|
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|
Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than
you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac? |
|
|
Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!! |
|
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|
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? |
|
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A: There have been sightings of UFOs. |
|
|
|
I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you
change gears. |
|
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|
There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next
morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant. |
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|
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing? |
|
|
What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him. |
|
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|
I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. |
|
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|
A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He
slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
|
|
|
Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in
this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore. |
|
|
What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish. |
|
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Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards. |
|
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|
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to
drive this thing?" |
|
|
What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side! |
|
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|
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity
of your action. |
|
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|
Q: What does a blonde owl say? |
|
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A: What, what? |
|
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WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind! |
|
|
What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion. |
|
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Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV. |
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What do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities! |
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Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh! |
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What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already! |
|
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What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One fucked the miners, the other fucked the Majors |
|
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Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease? |
|
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A: Her IQ goes up. |
|
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Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
|
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Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is
aiming just a little too high. |
|
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I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience
and didn't come back for a day and a half. |
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What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German?
A man who's too drunk to follow orders. |
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I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one. |
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How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut. |
|
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For sale : Air Bags, Used once. |
|
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What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle. |
|
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What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber
field. |
|
|
|
Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands. |
|
|
|
What's pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran! |
|
|
|
What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm
home! |
|
|
|
What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows
everything. |
|
|
|
How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head. |
|
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|
Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? |
|
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A: We don't know. Never happens. |
|
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Q: Why was the leper caught speeding? |
|
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A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator. |
|
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Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore? |
|
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A: An fucking know it all. |
|
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A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The
bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here". |
|
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Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. |
|
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Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf. |
|
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|
I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what
say we tie up for the night? |
|
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|
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I
together. |
|
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|
Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth
child born is chinese. |
|
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What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool... |
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Q: How did the Pollack burn his face? |
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A: Bobbing for french fries. |
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Q: What's difference between Yogurt and Australia?
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A: One has a real live culture. |
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Q: What's diff between Michael Jackson and grocery bag? |
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A: Ones white, made outta plastic and dangerous for kids to play with.
The other you carry groceries in. |
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