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Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."

"If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?"

"Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines."

"Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he spent two weeks at a nudist colony."

"He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news."

"At school we had a name for guys who were 'trying to get in touch with themselves

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."

"Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus."

"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like."

"It's not the people who are in prison that worry me. It's the people who aren't."

"Mr Anaesthetist, if the patient can stay awake, surely you can."

"There's no bigger fan of the opposite sex than me, and I have the bills to prove it."

"The flashier kind of widow may insist only only sleeping with black men during the first year after death."

All I ever wanted is what others have.

Laugh on your one and the world thinks you are an idiot.

A kiss that says it all is seldom a first edition.

Women have usually nothing to wear and no room to put it away!

It is better to be fair than to be popular!

The strongest musle of the human body is the tongue.

Time is something that makes sure that everything does nog happen at the same moment.

Life is not short, it is being dead that lasts such a long time!

I intend to live for ever and so far everything goes well.

I see things the way they are and say: Why? .................. I dream of things that never were and say: Why not?

Life is what happens when you plan to do other things -- John Lennon

copernicus said:"men with dick in peanutbutter is fucking nuts."

Law of Murphy..... Everything that can go wrong, goes wrong sooner or later......Murphy was an optimist.

It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

A lot of people are in pain out of fear to be happy

A lot of people were never happy because they thought it had yet to come.

A laugh is the shortest distance between two people.

I want to die sleeping, just like my grandfather ..... Not yelling and

He said:"I thank you for the wonderful talk." ... I had only been listening.

When your youngest child needs sex education, you have badly informed your elder children on the subject.

The heart and the brain are neighbours, but they will never be friends.

The present is just as mysterious as the future.

People who do not want to be disturbed, usually already are disturbed.

You can close your eyes for certain facts, but not for the memories.

Friendly words do not have to be long, the echo never dies.

Woman know that they are not that pretty any more when they have nothing to wear

What do you have to do when you fall into a river with a sign "Forbidden to swim?"

Be yourself, there are enough other people.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task,try to imagine it succeessfully accompliced by someone you voilently hate

There is no substitute for hard work.

Duty pays you. Safety saves you.

Take time to look- it is price of success

Take time to think-it is a source of power

Take time to read-it is a source of wisdom

Take time to be friendly-it is a way of happiness

Between two evils, choose neither. Between two goods, choose both

The shortest way to do many thing is to do a single thing at a time.

Think you are well, and all that is well with you. And nature will read your thoughts and make them true

Be true to yourself and others. Do not try to appear better or greater than what you are.

Troubles which are tackled instead of being talkedabout, dissappear like mist before the morning sun

Undertake not what you cannot perform but be careful to keep your promise.

Forget injuries, but never forget kindness

Learn something new each day-keep your eyes, ears and most of all your mind open

Pray as if everything depended work as if everything depended on you.

In success and failure, in sunshine and rain, in prosperity and adversity be at peace with the world and with yourself.

The way you manage your time determnes your success or failure as a man.

Honour the chief. There must be a head of everything.

Be glad and rejoice in the other fellow's success. Study his methods.

Do not attempt to do a thing unless you are sure of yourself; but don't relinquish it simply because someone else is not sure of you.

Do not express dislike for a person when (s)he is not present to offer a defence.

Prayer is the first duty in life; And to plead lack of time for it is an insult to GOD.

Who agree like bell; they want nothing but hanging.

Anger is a short madness. Don't allow it to ruin longstanding relations.

Nothing is bad but it might have been worse.

Loyalty to friends and loyalty to certain basic principles are essential to success in any sphere.

Instead of feeling inferior because someone else can do something you cannot do, concentrate on what you can do that others cannot.

To be angry is to revenge the fault of others on us

As heat conserved is transmitted into energy, so can anger controlled can be transmitted into a power which can move the world.

Our errors are steps on the way.

A fool may be known by six things :anger without cause, speech without profit, change without progress, enquiry without object, putting trust in a stranger, mistaking foes for friends.
DO YOU HAVE ANY OF THE ABOVE QUALITIES??????

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for wt you are not.

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

You will never find time for any thing. If you want time you must find it.

If you want people to think well of you do not speak well of yourself.

Our prayers should be for blessing in general, for God knows best what is good
for us.

If you shed tears when you miss the sun; you also miss the stars.

You may make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you start blaming
someone else for it.

ANGER is only one letter shorter than DANGER.

The man who has done less than his best have done nothing.39.The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

Think more about what you can make happen than about what happens to you.

Stand for truth even at the expense of losing popularity.

For every minute of anger you lose sixty seconds of happiness.

Do not do to others that which would anger you if others did it to you.

Failure establishes only this, that our determination to succeed was not strong
enough.

Write injuries in dust, benefits in marble.

Be clean in all matters and you will never be ashamed.

Saying "I did not find time " shows you did not WISH to do it.

People who believe a problem can be solved tend to become busy solving it.

If you don't think every day is a good day try missing one!

Learn to hide your heartaches and woes under a pleasant smile.

Every good thought is a star which leads you on, shining in the dark, making your pathway radiant.

Those who do not have goals are doomed to work for those who do.

Be thankful if you have a job that is harder than you like. A razor cannot be
sharpened on a velvet.

When you long for something, it means you love it.

DON'T ever give up before you have solved the problem you are facing.

Don't say things. What you are stands over you and thunders, so nobody would
hear what you say on the contrary.

Think that day lost whose decending son has seen no worthy action done.

We weave a tangled web when we first practise to deceive.

Love is only chatter. Friends are all that matters.

The heart has its reasons, which, reason does not know.

Tommorow I will live, the fool says. Today is too late. The wise lived yesterday.

It is better to forget and smile rather than remember and be sad.

The more hot arguments you win the more good friends you lose.

Face the situation fearlessly and soon there will be no situation to face.

Mistakes fail in their missin of helping the person who blames them on others.

Do not worry about failure. Worry about all the chances you miss when you
don't try.

Be sure you are right and then go ahead.

That sorrow is heavy which bows the head, when love is alive nad hope is
dead.

The truth that's tild with bad intent beats all lies you can invent.

In life knowing how to lose is just as important as knowing how to win.

Think in the morning, do it in the afternoon, eat in the evening,sleep in the
night.

If hardwork is you weapon then success will be you slave.

Women's heart is soft but if it becomes hard, a diamond also cannot stand it.

Though you are travelling on the right path, if you take unneccessary breaks others will push you back.

Thankfulness should be expressed, but you shouldn't ask for it.

Love is all in fire and yet freezing,

Love is much in winnig , but is more in loosing.

Love is ever sick and yet is never dying,

Love is ever true and yet is ever lying,

Love does doath in liking and is mad in loathing,

Love indeed is everything, yet indeed is nothing.

It is important to follow rules rather than to make rules.